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PRINCESS OF MARS
Felicitous greetings and fanciful salutations, and other things that mean “hi”! Everybody’s buddy, Oddcube here saying “Hello, and welcome to the column!”
So basically, what goes on here is that I find myself a subject that fits into one or more of the categories listed in the title there, and tell you about it! Mostly, I try to tell you about cool stuff that you shouldn’t miss! However, it has been pointed out to me that, technically speaking, “Obscure, Off-Beat, and Outdated” does NOT necessarily equate to “good stuff”. Besides, my Beloved Editor™ likes it when I get my snark on.
On that note, I’ve decided to tell you about a certain cinematic experience that should be avoided at almost any cost! That’s right, as those paying attention to the title already know, I’m talking about “Princess of Mars”, and I’ll be getting snarky with it!
So, on some set of online forums, somebody posted a link to a trailer posted on YouTube for “Princess of Mars”, inspired by the classic Edgar Rice Burroughs novel. The only things I really remembered from the commercial were some aliens that didn’t look too bad, some weird mutant T-Rex steeds, a nifty shot of an airboat, and Traci Lords as Dejah Thoris. It didn’t look GREAT, but it did look watchable. Holy misleading advertising Batman!
Ok, to be fair, it wasn’t WHOLLY misleading! …Traci Lords was in it! This must have been a low point in her career, since I’m sure she was in some X-rated films with better plots and characterization. Antonio Sabato Jr. (formerly of daytime soap “General Hospital” and Calvin Klein ads) was John Carter, but…not really. It was written and directed by some shlub named Mark Atkins. After I watched it, I found out it was produced and distributed by a company called “The Asylum”, who seem to specialize in really bad, low-budget movies inspired by the buzz surrounding big-budget features that are coming soon. Although they do technically use original plots, the themes and titles of their movies are suspiciously similar (but legally distinct) from certain widely-anticipated, big-budget movies, and are released directly to video at about the same time the real movie comes out. Thanks to this business practice, their flicks are often referred to as “mockbusters”, a name which at least one of the founders objects to…so that’s the one I’m gonna use.
Fast forward several months. It’s gonna be on the SyFy Channel! I was excited! I mean, ok, SyFy pretty much sucks except for Eureka and possibly Merlin, but they could be showing something really cool by accident! I mean, you can’t put a whole lot of faith in a channel that can’t even spell “sci-fi” correctly. But, being the magnanimous sort that I am, I was determined to watch it! Cuz I’m a glutton for punishment!
So, I missed the first few minutes of the movie, like the opening titles. But I see modern-day army guys fighting somewhere in the Middle East. This one guy is leading a team of other guys to rescue some dude. And I’m like, “Uh…do I have the right day? Maybe that commercial said tomorrow, or next week, or something.” Cuz, I actually read the book, and I know John Carter fought in the American Civil War before the story and was prospecting for gold in Arizona when he got zapped across the void to Mars.
But, somebody calls the leader-guy Carter, so I presume I got the right day after all, and sneer with venomous contempt. Cuz, you know, it bugs me no end when they screw up the good stuff. So, they go in to save this guy, firefight breaks out, the guy we’re trying to rescue gets a gun and shoots Carter…and ya don’t really care cuz you don’t know him yet.
So, he wakes up in the infirmary where an army doctor and an officer tell him he’s about to be subjected to some sort of teleportation experiment which will either heal him up like new or kill him. He’s gonna get zapped to the fourth planet orbiting, like, Andromeda or something, which we call Mars II. And I’m all like…well, I can’t really tell ya my reaction, cuz I’m pretty sure my Beloved Editor would deem it “unprintable”. So, they zap him across space, where stars zoom by in a blur of lines that remind me of an old opening sequence of classic British sci-fi show, Dr. Who (which I’ve just sullied by merely mentioning in this review!).
He falls into the atmosphere, bounces off an airboat, and lands among the Vasquez Rocks of southern California. He wakes up, wanders over to a ledge and jumps like a superhuman grasshopper from rock to rock like he expected to be able to do it! That’s right; this WTF moment was brought to you by The Asylum and SyFy!
So, he gets found by some green Martians who aren’t very green…but they DO have tusks like the Tharks are supposed to have! I actually thought the masks for the Tharks were pretty good! Of course, they still weren’t proper Tharks…they weren’t green enough, they weren’t tall enough, they didn’t have enough arms, and they were WAY overdressed to be proper Tharks! But the masks themselves weren’t bad!
I was impressed that they kept the whole me-no-speaka-you-language bit. Of course, instead of being all intellectual and actually learning it, he was forced to eat some sort of worm and could magically understand Martian-speak.
This is when we finally find out that the locals call the planet Barsoom, and that the aliens are called Tharks, and that this squad is led by Tars Tarkas. They replaced the Thoats with the T-Rex things, and threw in some weird giant spider-things. Cuz, you know, that’s the all-purpose, default fantasy/sci-fi monster! Don’t know what to do next? Throw in some giant spiders!
While traveling home with not-really-John Carter, the Tharks attack an airboat which just happens to be carrying Dejah Thoris and her bodyguard/wannabe-suitor, Sab Than. They were taking some dude to the Air Factory that produces breathable air and allows everyone to live on Barsoom. The Princess flees on a lifeboat, and after she leaves, Carter witnesses Sab Than kill the Air Factory guy!
Well, Carter captures Dejah Thoris (to save her life from the Tharks), and they all go back to the Thark city. Here we meet the leader, Tal Hajus. Tars Tarkas proudly declares that they have captured the Princess of Mars…even though they call the place Barsoom. And John Carter inexplicably introduces himself as John Carter of Mars…even though they call the place Barsoom.
Well, Tal Hajus is not impressed, and throws Tars Tarkas, John Carter, and Dejah Thoris in prison. That’s where John Carter finds Sab Than, and finds out he’s really that (unprintable) Middle East guy that shot him up! He has evil plans to conquer Barsoom and also to marry…and do other things to…Dejah Thoris by seizing control of the Air Factory and threatening to shut it down if everybody doesn’t do whatever he says.
The short version, of course, is that Carter lives and follows Sab Than and Dejah Thoris to the Air Factory where we have an uninspired fight while all the air drains away in a manner far less thrilling than in “Total Recall” (which I’ve also just sullied by mentioning in this review…gee, what a shmuck I am this month).
And, of course, once “his work here is done”, he gets conveniently zapped back to Earth, where he doesn’t say anything about the teleportation experiment, so that we don’t flock to Barsoom and ruin place…like it wasn’t already too late by the end of the movie.
And now, the time you’ve all been waiting for: the assigning of a completely un-biased rating! Hmm, let’s see…I suppose it was better than “Manos: The Hands of Fate” (but what isn’t?), and it moved faster than Ralph Bakshi’s “Lord of the Rings” (but so does molasses in January)… Nope, I can’t decide, which is good cuz I’m not supposed to. Instead I shall roll my handy-dandy D&D percentage dice.
For those of you who are uninitiated with D&D or my column, I should explain that percentage dice are two ten-sided dice used to determine a random number between 01 (which means it sucks a dead giraffe), to double-0, or 100, which in this case means that some Higher Power is playing a cruel joke on your buddy Oddcube. Now that that’s settled, I shall give my dice a roll just like that…
…and end up with a seventeen! And trust me folks, that’s giving it all the best of it! So there you have it, folks! Beware of the Asylum and beware of the Princess of Mars! However, if there is a B-movie…no, this wasn’t good enough to be a B-movie. Let’s make that: if there is a J-movie buff that you don’t like, you can purchase this on DVD from Amazon and other places who don’t know how bad it is for their reputations to be associated with it!
Of course, that’s just one idiot’s opinion, and you don’t have to take it! …Although, in this case I suggest that you do! After all, I’m hip, and with it, and jiggy, and fly! And I’m your buddy so I wouldn’t lie! It’s really bad folks! But come on back here next month and I’ll be talking about something totally different! And hopefully better!
------Your Buddy, Oddcube!
