Special Announcement!

Howdy Friends! Everybody's buddy, Oddcube, here with an announcement of epic epidemic proportions!

I've been kicking this around for a few days now, trying to come up with the best way to say it, and I still haven't figured it out. So I'm just gonna say it straight out:

Odd Reviews by Oddcube has lost its sponsorship.

Odd Reviews by Oddcube was concieved by the then-editor of Abandoned Towers Magazine. TBH, your buddy Oddcube was more than a little reluctant to accept the monthly deadline of an ongoing review column. I nearly turned it down all together. What really hooked me was the proposed title "Odd Reviews by Oddcube", it was SO good, I just HAD to do it!

However, Abandoned Towers Magazine, or more appropriately, the parent company, Cyberwizard Productions, has fallen on hard times. Due to circumstances beyond control, CWP was forced to sell off Abandoned Towers Magazine in August. However, Cyberwizard Productions tried valiantly to maintain the monthly serialized stories and a couple of other features, including my Odd Reviews.

Unfortunately, finances and other factors refuse to co-operate, and Cyberwizard Productions has likewise been forced to drop all of these features and concentrate solely on their book publishing. Any and all rights to the Odd Reviews solely belong to me, Oddcube, and I have inherited the Odd Review blog, which is now solely my responsibility to do with as I wish.

I can only assume similar arrangements have been made with the contributors of the serials. Most of them have shut down, but three seem to be continuing on their own, at least for the present. These three are Clockwork, Tales of Coromoor, and The Adventures of Bradley Brackett. They are all good, and you should check them out, if you haven't all ready! I hope these creators are able to continue with their stories.

Now what this comes down to is: I don't know whether or not to continue with the Odd Reviews. The truth is, I was reluctant to start them, and they are kind of a pain to come up with each month. On the other hand, I'm kinda proud that I have kept them going for 3 FULL YEARS! That's a grand total of 36 Odd Reviews, and 24 Oddio Reviews, and during my entire run I've only missed one month, and that's because I was moving into my new Sanctum Sanctorium. That's pretty good, especially for me, and I sorta hate to bring it to a halt. Plus I do have a small but loyal following. On the other other hand, I've got plenty of other projects that I could be working on instead. I have got all sorts of things I want to load on my other blog the problem is that vanity projects have to take a back seat to the ones that might actually bring in some money. And yet on some other, other hand there are a LOT of things I haven't gotten to do a Review of yet: Spaced Invaders, the Rubik's cube, Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo Crew, Sherlock Holmses' War of the Worlds, Fireball Island...

So I put it to you, my loyal fans: Should I strive to keep the Odd Reviews going? Keep in mind, if they continue, they will revert to a bi-monthly, or perhaps even quarterly schedule. Please leave your comments below.

I am grateful and thankful to have been associated with some great people who do some really fine work. First, there's good ol' Crystalwizard over at Cyberwizard Productions who came up with the idea for the Odd Reviews. Don't be an ignorant twit, buy a book! They help ya look smart! You don't even have to read it, just carry it around! They're useful, too! You can use it to prop up that wobbly table leg! Thanks CW, for the opportunity and the experience! I'm just sorry it wasn't a more profitable undertaking for ya!

Then, there's Paul over at the Beam Me Up blog and podcast, sponsored by WRFR in Maine! In a special arrangement with Abandoned Towers, he aired many an Oddio Review over the actual airwaves, providing audio oddness to his unsuspecting audience (all of whom were appropriately amused, of course)! Thanks a lot Paul! You have a great show and I'm proud to have been a (small) part of it!

And then, of course, there's YOU, my multitude of fanatical fans, loyal listeners, and reliable readers! You fine folks have tuned in month after month from all around the globe to gawk and gander at my readable ramblings! So thanks for tuning in! Let's face it, a review--even one of mine--is no good unless there's someone around to read it, which makes you just as indispensible as I am! Maybe even more so!

That's why I think you deserve a say in what's going on around here! So if you have an opinion on the fate of the Odd Reviews, let it be known! Leave a comment down below! We'll see how it stands at the end of the month and (hopefully) have another announcement to make at the beginning of the year! Well, I guess there WILL be announcement one way or the other. So be there or be square!

In the meantime, you can read my latest (and perhaps last) Odd Review here!

-----Everybody's Buddy, Oddcube

Secret Wars

SECRET WARS

Felicitous greetings and fanciful salutations fans and friends! It’s a brand new month and that means it is time once again for the greatest online experience you could ever ask for: the Odd Review! And this is everyone’s favorite online idiot intoning (or typing) the unmistakable invitation: welcome to the column!

If you’ve been here before, then welcome back! If this is your first visit, what took ya so long? Well, nevermind that, I gotta let ya know what goes on around here.

Basically, I pick a subject, which could be a TV show, or movie, or novel, or musical band, or whatever, and tell you stuff about it. Why it’s cool, or why it isn’t cool, and whether you should experience it or avoid it like the plague! Then, to support the fragile veneer of the review column, I use a highly scientific method (lol) to devise a rating, but I’ll explain that later on.

This time around, I’m gonna talk about a comic book. Well, a mini-series from the mid-80’s. Its full title was “Marvel Super Heroes Secret Wars”. Of course, it wasn’t the first superhero team-up, but it is generally regarded at THE very first company-wide cross-over, paving the way for all those “Crisis on Earths Q Thru Z-Squared” and “Super Zombie Civil War” or whatever.

Wow, I remember when I first found Secret Wars. I was about ten or eleven when it came out in ’84-’85. We weren’t wealthy, but we weren’t poor, either, and we usually spent our mad money on Nintendo games, but there was usually a little cash left I could throw away on comics. The problem was it WAS only a little cash! I was no afficianado, and I had NO idea which ones to get. So I only had a couple issues of this guy and a couple issues of that guy. But then they came out with Secret Wars and EVERYbody was in it! I dutifully purchased the first five issues, but then the rat-finks at my local 7-Eleven stopped ordering it! For YEARS I had only read half the story!

Fear not, eventually I did get to read the rest of the story! In fact, I even own all 12 issues collected in one convenient graphic novel. More than that, I learned about the interesting events that caused its creation!

Without anything as sophisticated as Mr. Peabody’s Waybac Machine, we’ll flash back to the mid-80’s. Now, at the time, action figures were REALLY hot! There was Star Wars, G.I. Joe, He-Man, Thundercats, and I don’t even know what else! Well, some smart guy at Kenner thought it would be cool to have action figures based on comic book characters…so he went to DC, made a deal and got production started.

Well, the line of DC superhero action figures did pretty well, so some other guy at Mattel said “Hey! We need to start making superhero figures too!” So they went to Marvel with a boatload of phoney-baloney marketing research. They said “We wanna make action figures of your comic book guys! …But we only want the best-of-the-best, with a HUGE media tie-in that supplies a convenient blanket concept, cool vehicles, weapons, and headquarters so that we can expand the product line with superfluous playsets!”

Marvel liked the idea of the toy line and worked up a nifty concept that offered convenient excuses to include all the conditions the toy company demanded. Some super-duper, extra-dimensional godlike entity called the Beyonder has been pulling a peeping tom on our universe and does not get the concept the desire. So he collected the best of the best Marvel heroes and the best of the worst Marvel villains. He wiped the galaxy away and used fragments of various planets to create a patchwork “battleworld” where the two teams could fight, the winners are promised “anything they desire”.

The toy line SUCKED and didn’t sell very well, but the mini-series did great! It was, like, THE highest sold title at the time.

The story was written by Jim Shooter, who was editor-in-chief of Marvel at the time. It was drawn by Mike Zeck and Bob Layton. The good-guys include Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, the Hulk, Spider-Man, and members of the Fantastic Four, the Avengers, and the X-Men! Oh yeah, and Magneto was with them, too. Like I said, EVERYbody was in it! And BIG-name guys, even I recognized most of them! I didn’t know as many of the villains, though. Sure, I knew Doctor Doom, and Doctor Octopus, but that was about it. But with them were the Enchantress, Ultron, the Wrecker and the Wrecking Crew, Kang, the Lizard, the Molecule Man, and Galactus.

So the villains are all like “Oh boy, let’s fight!” The heroes automatically go on the defense and drive them away. But the heroes don’t trust Magneto, nor the X-Men cuz they try to stick up for him, so the mutants disenfranchise themselves to become a non-aligned third force. Galactus summons his homeworld, intending to devour the Battleworld, thus winning the Beyonder’s game. And Doctor Doom makes plans to confront the Beyonder himself!

And BIG things happen to just about everyone through the course of this storyline. The super-villains Titania and Volcana are created by Doctor Doom. The Molecule Man discovers that he was limiting his powers with a self-imposed mental block. Professor X assumed a more direct leadership of the X-Men. Collossus fell out of love with Kitty Pryde. She-Hulk joined the Fantastic Four cuz the Thing didn’t wanna leave Battleworld (cuz he could change back to human). And perhaps BIGGEST of all: Spiderman got the black suit that would eventually become Venom!

Anyway, it’s a wild ride, and pretty cool, although I must admit that the Beyonder’s motivation is not very clear in the story itself. But it says online in a couple of places that he did this in an attempt to understand human desire, and that makes as much sense as anything else. Besides, it’s a comic book, how much of a reason does he need, right? I always thought it was a boring ol’ Tuesday night and he didn’t have anything to do so he did this for a moment’s entertainment.

So, I guess continuity-wise, it’s kinda outdated now, but if you’re interested in the history of super-mega-crossover-comics-events than you ought to check out Secret Wars! *sigh* Except, of course, I can’t just SAY that, I have to include a rating in order to maintain the thin disguise of being a legitimate review column.

To determine the rating, I use a pair of percentage dice. Percentage dice, in case ya don’t know it, are two ten-sided dice used in various role playing games to determine a random number between 0-1 (I’d rather have a sharp stick in my eye) to double-0, which actually means 100 (even better than finding out your pristine copy of Mickey Mouse is worth over a grand!). See how it works is one die represents the tens place and the other die represents the ones place. Here, let me show you. I just give my totally un-biased dice a roll just like that…

…and end up with an 85! I can live with that, but you don’t have to! You could check it out for yourself and form your very own opinions! The original issues can still be found through various online comics sources, and eBay, and Amazon. Plus you can get the collected graphic edition, maybe even in a brick-and-mortar bookstore (that’s where I found mine).

And then, if ya want get radical about it, you could even come here and share your opinion! Have you read Secret Wars? Have you read Secret Wars 2? Did ya like it? Did ya think it sucked? What’s your favorite comics super-crossover story? Leave a comment below and share it with all of cyberspace!

Well, we’ve gotten to the end of another one. This is where I usually tell you to tune in again next month to find out what my next Odd Review will be about. But I don’t know if I’m going to do any more. Why not? Read this Special Announcement for details! Be there and be square!

-----Your Buddy, Oddcube

Razzle Dazzle at Zazzle!

Howdy folks! I've got some exciting news for all you friends and fans! Your holiday shopping is about to get a LOT easier! Why? Because Everybody's Buddy (Me) has just opened a Zazzle store!

Here, you'll find all manner of merchandise featureing the Odd One himself, as well as other characters and catch-phrases that appear on Oddcube's various websites! Perfect for Oddcube fans of every level!

For a sampling of the products offered just check out the panel on the right-hand side of the screen, OR scroll down to the bottom of the page for a flash preview, OR better yet, go directly to the store itself and have a look at Oddcube's Emporium!

The Phantom Lady

THE PHANTOM LADY

Aloha everyone! Once again the occasion has arisen where it is the appointed hour to be awed by the essays and opinions of everyone's most admired online individual! As such, this is the oft-adored Oddcube offering you, my esteemed audience, the latest in my ongoing arrangement of unparalleled and informative articles!

Or, in plain speak; Hi, and welcome to the column! It's time for another Odd Review!

If you've been here before, welcome back, you have excellent taste! If you haven't been here before, congrats, you're becoming even cooler with every word that you read here!* But you probably want to know what goes on here.

You see, it's like this: I, Oddcube, the enviable apex of intellect and unpretentiousness (and yes I DID type that with a straight face), pick a subject that suits my mood, do minimal research to sound like I might know what I'm talking about, then write up an article about it explaining why you should seek out or avoid it! What sorts of subjects do I pick? Oh, movies, books, TV shows, video games...whatever I feel like talking about, really. I give you some facts and opinions about it, and tell ya why it is or is not worth your time. Why do I do all that? Cuz it keeps me up at night to think that you might be missing out on something cool! I also assign a rating to each subject, cuz people dig that and it helps give the impression of a legitimate review.

This month I'm gonna tell you about a book called "The Phantom Lady". Now, I know this sounds like a good Halloween-type book, but it's not really. It's not even supposed to be. It's a mystery story by the late, great Cornell Woolrich! Ever heard of him? Even if you haven't, there's a good chance you know some of his work. Cornell Woolrich was a writer back in the day of pulp magazines. He specialized in mystery stories and his stories defined the moody atmosphere now known as noir. He was a prolific author and his stories were often adapted to various radio shows and movies. Perhaps the most famous movie based on one of his stories is the Hitchcock classic "Rear Window".

Like several other prolific writers of classic pulp, Cornell Woolrich was often credited by a pseudonym. It is under the pen name of William Irish that "The Phantom Lady" was published by J.B. Lippincott as "A Story Press Book" in August of 1942. It was reprinted several times. My copy is a Ballantine Book published in December 1982, runs for 240 pages, not including an introduction by someone named Francis M. Nevins Jr., who tells us a little bit about Woolrich's life and career.

And now the actual story:

It takes place in New York, presumably contemporary 1942, cuz that's when it was written. The story presumably starts either on a Friday or Saturday night, cuz Woolrich keeps going on and on about it being 'date night' and this half of the city is rushing to keep a date with that half of the city. Six pm, Scott Henderson walks down the street in the foul mood. He's just had a fight with his wife and stormed out. See, Henderson is married but he wants a divorce so he can marry his secretary, Carol Richman. He and his wife were supposed to go out to dinner and a show, his way of buttering her up in the hopes of getting her in an agreeable mood, but she wouldn't go. Angry, he threatened to go anyway with the first stranger he chanced to meet, she laughed at him.

So he wanders the streets and on the spur of the moment he decided to go into this bar he happens to be passing. In the bar he meets this woman who wears a hat that resembles a pumpkin...which is about the best Halloween connection we're gonna get out this. Anyway, he invited her to dinner and the show, but because he doesn't wanna talk about his troubles, he suggests that they do NOT exchange any personal information, not even names. Intrigued and amused, she agrees.

So, they go outside and hail a cab. Two cabs stop, one tries to cut off the other and steal the fare. Their cabbie has the unusual name of Al Alp. They take the cab to a fancy restaurant where they dine. Then another cab takes them to a club called the Casino to see a singer named Estella Mendoza—who happens to have the exact same hat as the lady companion. Henderson's date says that Mendoza is totally cheesed off that they both have the same hat, and when the singer tosses flowers to the ladies in the audience, Henderson's date does not get one until she stands up for the whole audience to see.

When they leave the theater they happen to bump into a blind panhandler on their way to a cab. They return to the bar where they met, share a nightcap, shake hands, and go their separate ways.

Henderson goes home and finds cops in his living room. The main cop, Burgess, does most of the talking. Henderson finds out that his wife is dead, throttled with one of his neckties. The cops arrest him for the murder of his wife, he goes to trial, is found guilty, and after every appeal that can be made is made...he awaits his execution.

Of course, he keeps telling everyone what happened, but no one believes him. He doesn't know the name of the woman he was out with, has no way of contacting her. To make things worse, when the cops go around questioning witnesses like the barman, the cabbie, doormen, waiters...they all swear that Henderson was alone! Only his mystery woman can verify how soon they met—which would clear him of the charges—but he can't even prove she exists!

After all the appeals are done with, the cop Burgess comes to see Henderson in his cell. Burgess has changed his mind and decides that Henderson must be telling the truth or he would have come up with a different story by now. So he offers to continue investigating—unofficially, of course—in the hopes of finding this woman. He has the help of Carol Richman, Henderson's secretary/mistress/love interest. Also, Henderson asks Burgess to call in his good buddy, John Lombard, who recently moved to Venezuela as part of a five-year contract he signed with some oil-mining company. Much to Henderson's surprise, Lombard comes back to New York to help look for The Girl.

So Henderson's girlfriend, Carol Richman, goes to Anselmo's Bar and just stares at the bartender. When the bar closes, she follows him home. She never says anything, just stares at him and follows him. This goes on for a couple of days before he finally snaps, yells at her, and darts away...right into the busy street where he gets hit by a car and dies.

She gets tickets to the theater, reserves the table right in front of the drummer...oh yeah. I forgot to mention the drummer, didn't I? Well, the drummer was totally checking out the Girl in the Pumpkin Hat. Anyway, Carol tarts herself up and makes at the drummer through the whole show so that afterward he picks her up. They hit a few clubs with the rest of the musicians, then she gets right nervous when they go into a back room to smoke reefers and jam. The drummer takes her back to his place and she tries to wheedle some info out of him, but he's coming down and gets all paranoid. He babbles about how "they said they'd kill me if I told anyone...and you made me tell!" So she runs away and calls Burgess, but by the time they go back to the drummer's place, the drummer committed suicide.

Burgess is afraid to sent Carol out again, so Lombard sorta takes over the investigation. He tracks down the blind panhandler, who turns out to be a fraud with perfect eyesight. He can confirm that Henderson had a lady with him so Lombard goes to call Burgess. But when they go back into the panhandler's rooming house they find the phony blind man has fallen down the steps and broke his neck.

He talks to cabbies, waiters, and doormen, but they all prove useless. So then Lombard goes to see Mendoza, the singer. She remembers the incident, and is still cheesed off about it. She remembers the woman vividly, but never noticed that anyone was with her! However, she tells Lombard that her hat was supposed to be a one-of-a-kind, specially made for her as a sort of signature piece for her show. She gives him the name and address of the place she got it, in the hopes that he can find the person who made and sold the copy.

So he goes to the hat shop and talks to the owner. He finds out the person that made the hat for Mendoza—a seamstress named Madge Peyton—was fired because they think she was making copies of stuff and selling them. They couldn't prove it, but they were right. Lombard goes to see the seamstress and gets the name and address of the person she made the hat for: Pierrette Douglas. Finally a name!

So Lombard goes to see this chick Douglas...and she hasn't got the hat! She's not the chick we've spent the whole book looking for! It turns out that she wore the hat once, didn't like it and forgot about it. That is, until a friend of hers came over and spied it and tried it on and liked it. So Pierrette gave her the hat! But she didn't want to tell Lombard the Girl's name without a substantial bribe. So he gives her a check and she gives him a first name (no last name) and address. But when he follows the lead she gave him, the address is a fire station, and the name belongs to a Dalmatian! He calls Burgess and they go back to see Pierrette and find her dead, apparently she tripped on the rug and fell out the window.

Then, with about three days left before the execution, Lombard goes to see Henderson in his cell and tell him what's been going on and to go over the story again for some new lead to follow. And they come up with one final last-ditch plan to try and find the Girl with the Pumpkin Hat...but I don't think I should tell you about it cuz it IS supposed to be a mystery and I'd hate to spoil it for you!

It was pretty cool, if a little far-fetched. I mean, ok, technically it COULD happen in real life. And if it did, you'd pretty much be up a creek without a paddle. But the odds on this specific set of circumstances would be REALLY high! I was a little surprised about a couple of things in the ending, but I don't really think I should say what they are. But I guess I can say that I was impressed when I found out why the Girl with the Pumpkin Hat didn't step forward any sooner than she did.

I'm no expert on mysteries, especially in book form, but it seems to me that like all pulp, this was a little hokey. Not necessarily in a bad way, but hokey all the same. I mean, having four or five of the witnesses die during the investigation seemed a bit extreme to me, even if some of them were accidents. Seriously, I haven't seen so many people die in one mystery since "The Private Eyes"...or "Clue The Movie"! But, as long as you don't take the whole thing too seriously, it is an amusing story and well worth reading.

Except of course, I can't just say that, I have to apply a rating to help support my clever disguise as a legitimate review. To do that, I'm going to employ the use of my handy-dandy D&D percentage dice! Don't know what they are? Don't worry, it's easy. Percentage dice are simply two ten-sided dice, one counts as the tens place and one counts as the ones place. So together they randomly determine a number between 01 (so low it makes the bottom of the barrel look like the penthouse) and 00, which actually stands for 100 (the stuff that dreams are made of AND the dreams made out of that stuff!). So I shall give them a nice fair roll like so...

...and end up with a nice, fair, unbiased 83!

So there ya have it friends! That's the way the mop flops! But remember, that's only one idiot's opinion, and you don't have to take it! You could read the book for yourself. It's available at Amazon, and possibly in your local used book store (I find mine in one).) I understand that a movie was made of "The Phantom Lady" back in 1944, but I haven't seen it so I don't know if it's any good.

I guess that's about all I have to say about this. Be sure to tune in again next time when I'll talk about something else! Like what? I don't know yet! So just tune in and find out, ok? You know, be there and be square and all that jazz!

In the meantime, feel free to leave a comment below, telling me if you've read "The Phantom Lady" or any other Cornell Woolrich stories. Or what mystery stories you have read or seen. Yeah, that's a good one! What's your favorite mystery? Let me know in the comments below! Cuz it's the end of the show and I have to go! That's all there is and there ain't no mo'!

-----Your Buddy, Oddcube

Buy books. Mention this post when ordering any book from a Cyberwizard Productions imprint, and receive 10% off your next order.

Laserblast!

LASERBLAST

Fasten your seat belts everybody, it's that time again! So this is everybody's buddy Oddcube here to say: Hi there, and welcome to the column! I know you've all been sitting in front of your computer screens waiting impatiently for my next super-insightful soliloquy. Well, it's paid off for ya, cuz I got a real humdinger of a sockaroo ready for ya this month! So with no further ado, and even less adon't, let's get this party started!

If you're new here, first of all congratulations for getting down with O-D-D! You are well on your way to becoming crazy-sexy-cool (like me)! Here's how it works: I pick a subject at random—a TV show, a movie, a book, whatever—and then, I talk about it! I know, its revolutionary stuff, just bear with me here. And then, after I tell you why you should seek it out or avoid it, I come up with Totally Legitimate Rating for the subject of the review with a Very Complicated and Highly Scientific Rating System (comprised primarily of a pair of D&D percentage dice, but more on this later). Cuz, you know, having an actual rating system makes it seem more like a real review.

This time I'm gonna talk about a movie called "Laserblast", if ya don't believe me, just check out the title! How did I come to pick "Laserblast"? Well, I'll tell ya...I THOUGHT my editor liked me. See, she said "Hey Odd! You should review a movie called "Laserblast"!" And I said, "Never heard of it! But if I can find it, I'll review it!" Boy, was THAT a mistake! Why? Cuz "Laserblast" stinks on ice and people must be warned! I'd hate to think of you fine folks wandering blindly into this like I did! Boy, am I great guy or what? Here I am, watching lousy movies so that you don't have to!

So, let's get the behind-the-scenes stuff out of the way so I can tell you what a truly terrible time-wasting travesty this movie really is. "Laserblast" came out in 1978 from Charles Band Productions. It was produced by (surprise!) Charles Band, a creator of bad B-movies and exploitation films. Assuming that "Laserblast" is an indicative example of his artistic inability as a B-movie writer/director/producer, I think I would rank Band just over Ed Wood and well behind Roger Corman. He's had about a half dozen different movie-making companies over the years, and perhaps his best-known movies are the "Puppet Master" series, the "Prehysteria" series, and "Ghoulies". (BTW I have seen NONE of these!)

The movie was directed by Michael Rae, and is his ONLY directorial job. This is NOT a good sign!

The movie was written by Francis Schacht and Frank Ray Perilli. This is Francis Schacht's ONLY writing credit and she had a cameo in the film. Frank Ray Perilli has about fifteen writing credits listed on the IMDB, and I've never heard of ANY of them! I think maybe he was a staff writer for Band's various B-movies.

The movie had a score composed by Richard Band (the producer's brother) and Joel Goldsmith (son of renowned composer Jerry Goldsmith). They both went on to compose music for more prestigious movies and television shows.

The movie features a bunch of people you've never heard of, a few people you'd recognize when you saw 'em, and a couple of legitimate stars who must have lost a bet and had to be in it. I'd like to tell you who plays the hero, but there is NO hero in this flick, just a protagonist. The protagonist is disgruntled teen Billy, played by Kim Milford. Apparently this guy Milford (full name: Richard Kim Milford) did some stage work, and a couple of movies, and a couple of TV shows and made-for-TV movies. Sadly, "Laserblast" seems to be the most prestigious part he had. What a bummer!

His girlfriend, Kathy, is played by Cheryl Smith, sometimes known as Rainbeaux Smith (no lie!). She made a career out of bad sci-fi and horror movies, and is best known for her role in an exploitation flick called "Caged Heat".

Since the flick is about a disgruntled teen killing people and blowing things up with an alien laser gun, we have a token government agent sent out to investigate the situation. This agent is played by a guy named Gianni Russo. I have no idea who he is, but according to the IMDB, he was in the first two "Godfather" films, so other folks might recognize him.

Of course, we have a town sheriff, cuz ya need a town sheriff in these sorts of flicks, to be out of his depth and provide the government agent with people who know the area. Our sheriff is played by Ron Masak, who may be remembered best as the Sheriff who replaced Tom Bosley on "Murder She Wrote". ...I guess he just looks like a sheriff.

This is the very first movie to feature Eddie Deezen (he could only go up from here!), who went on to parts in "Grease", "1941", "Midnight Madness" (read my review here!), and become the voice of Mandark on "Dexter's Lab". Get this, in "Laserblast", Eddie Deezen plays the bully's SIDEKICK! No lie!

To the amazement of all, or at least to me, they actually got a couple of real stars to be in this turkey. One of them was talented character actor Keenan Wynn! Keenan Wynn has been in all sorts of movies, including "Dr. Strangelove", "Once Upon A Time in the West", "The Great Race", and "The Absent-Minded Professor". He's also been in countless TV shows, including being a regular on "Dallas", and he was the only cop to appear in two episodes of the original "Kolchak: The Night Stalker" series (read my review here!).

The other great star to step in this flop was the estimable Roddy McDowall. You gotta know Roddy McDowall cuz he's just plain great and was in at least one episode of just about everything. He was in all the original "Planet of the Apes" movies AND the TV series, and, as I mentioned a few months ago, was a regular on "Tales of the Gold Monkey" (read my review here!). He brings a touch of class to everything, and I've NO idea how he got roped into this one. My theory is that he lost a bet with someone.

And now, I shall tell you the story of the movie so you don't have to watch it!

Some dude with a green face and a long silver tube stuck on his arm is running through the desert of the American southwest. This spaceship lands, and two aliens come out. The aliens are stop-motion and beautifully animated, they're reminiscent of Ray Harryhausen's stuff. Anyway, the aliens shoot the guy with the green face and he disintegrates, leaving a man-shaped burn mark on the ground. Then, to avoid being sighted by regular Earthlings, the aliens beat it.

Then Billy wakes up. Billy is blond, blue-eyed, tan, pretty fit and almost never buttons up his shirt. To be honest, he looks like he should be the popular jock that everybody wants to hang out with, except for the weakling nerds he picks on. But no! Oh yeah, he's supposed to be a teenager but he looks to me like he's in his mid-20's. From some angles, he looks a little like Mark Hamill.

Anyway, he wakes up and finds his Mom packing her bags into the car. She says she was invited to go to Acapulco and it was too good to pass up, but she really means "I read the script and I'm getting outta here while the getting is good!" So she leaves and wisely does not return for the rest of the movie.

So Billy gets in his van—he's got a van, cuz, you know, vans are cool, and we're supposed to think that he's cool cuz he's got one...but he ain't. As I was saying, he gets in his van and goes to see his girlfriend Kathy, but her grandfather, a retired Colonel possibly suffering from some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder, sends him away. He tries to look dejected, but he can't really pull it off, cuz he had the personality of Styrofoam packing peanuts.

Then Billy stops at what is apparently the only gas station in town. Then this convertible pulls up, driven by rival shmucky "teenager" Chuck (who has the personality of a brick) and his sidekick, Froggy (Eddie Deezen, who has the same personality in every movie he's in). They try to goad him into a street race, but their ribbing is pretty lame. Billy can't get his van to start so Chuck and Froggy laugh at him and pull away.

So then Billy goes out for a ride and gets pulled over by these two deputies that make Barney Fife look like Dirty Harry. They decide to give Billy a ticket...pretty much because he's there and they are bored. I think they were supposed to be amusing, but they were just an embarrassment.

So Billy goes out into the desert for no discernable reason and just HAPPENS to pull up next to the remains of the guy that the aliens killed. He finds the laser gun, and figures out that he has to wear this goofy-looking pendant to make it work and blows up some bushes and trees and things.

Then we cut to the aliens in their spacecraft. The aliens are pretty cool. They kinda look like the turtles in Bugs Bunny cartoons when they take off their shells. Anyway, the ETs phone home and the Boss Alien says "What's the matter with you guys? You left the laser gun there and some hairless ape is playing with it! Now go get it!" Of course, they speak Alien-ese, but you get the gist of it. So the Aliens pull a U-y, a Uey, a Uwie, a Yoo-eeee... You know what? I don't know how to spell "Yoo-eee". But that doesn't matter, despite what they say in Season 1 of "Red Dwarf", the Aliens pull a yoo-eee regardless of how close to light speed they may be going.

Back on Earth, Billy meets up with his girlfriend Kathy. I'd like to say that she has all the personality of a blow-up doll and her head seems to be filled with air just the same, but I don't know if I can get that past my editors. So instead, I shall say that she has all the personality of a store mannequin (NO offense to Kim Cattrall!). Anyway, they go to the lamest pool party the Seventies ever saw. These are the un-swinging-est teenagers I've ever seen in my life, and I'm a total SQUARE! The party is SO boring that Billy sleeps through it. He complains about being tired and there is a weird growth developing on his chest where the pendant rests, but I know it was really how boring the party was.

He wakes up and goes to find Kathy, and finds Chuck hitting on her. So Billy gets into a REALLY lame fight with Chuck and Froggy, and was winning until his stupid girlfriend stopped him (I think it was embarrassing her, and I don't blame her!). So later that night—now get this, folks—he wakes up and his face is all green like the guy the aliens killed at the beginning of the movie. He looks like the illegitimate son of the Hulk and the Mask. In this monstrous form, he returns to the pool party and blows up Chuck's car with the laser cannon. The next day, Billy no longer has a green face, and seems to have to no memory of his actions, which makes him luckier than the viewing audience.

Kathy, his airhead girlfriend, takes him to see Dr. Mellon (no relation to Dr. Bunsen Honeydew). He, of course, has no clue what the thing is in Billy's chest, but he pulls a weird metal disc out of it and plans to take it "into the city" to be analyzed. However, as he drives "into the city" that night, Billy blows him up, too, for no discernable reason other than attempting to save Roddy McDowall's dignity and credibility.

So then this government guy shows up. He's nice and mysterious, looks kinda like Bill Bixby in several shots, and you don't even know if he's with the FBI, the CIA, the MIB, SHIELD, or the Omega Sector. All you know is that he's the government guy, the federali, he has less personality than his own suit, and he's here to find out about mysterious goings-on that have occurred in the area in the past 24 hours, including the exploding car at the pool party. He talks, individually, to all the kids from the party, and finds the weird metal disc among the debris of Dr. Mellon's car. He takes it "into the city" to have it analyzed and learns that it is not of this Earth, and that we have no means of destroying it. Don't make the mistake of thinking this is some important plot point, cuz it isn't!

Billy and Kathy meet up at "their special rendezvous spot" and have a super close-up, out of focus love scene that is easily the scariest scene in the whole flick! Afterwards, she gets dressed, and finds his goofy pendant and finds that it fits EXACTLY on the weird growth on his chest, which is where she lays it down. Instantly, Billy goes all Greenface on her, and growls. She screams and runs away (which she should have done even before the movie started). He gets up--now get this--he gets up to chase her, runs into his own van and knocks himself down! It almost looks like he runs himself over! Epic Fail!

Someplace along the line (I forget where exactly, and do NOT want to watch the flick again to find out) Billy kills those two useless deputies and blows up the town's only gas station. That was some night scene. Some random day scene (definitely after his girlfriend saw him looking like a reject from Jabba's palace) he finds Chuck and Froggy with a new car and kills them. After that, it's just meaningless random destruction! He blows up cars! He blows up buildings! He blows up a pinball machine! Yes, you read that right, I said a PINBALL MACHINE!!! What is up with that?!?! I tried to tell him, I said, "Billy! You're shooting the wrong people! You should be shooting at your agent, the casting director, the screenwriters..." But he didn't listen!

So, the Federali talks to Kathy the girlfriend and they go off to find Billy, and they do find him with conve-e-e-enient ease. Monster-Face Billy is about to blow them up (in the government Caddy) when suddenly, and without warning, an alien shoots Billy from the top of a building, killing him! Then, the alien walks away, across the roof, towards his spaceship in the sky behind him. Kathy inexplicably weeps over Billy's dead body, and no one understands why.

And that's the end.

Now, your first reaction is: but you left the laser gun behind again, you stupid alien! And this time there are TWO stupid hairless apes who could end up using it! But that's not necessarily so. See, Billy gets zapped by the alien's laser beam, then we cut to the alien on the roof, then we cut back to Billy and the laser cannon is mysteriously missing from his hand. Did it blow up? I don't think so. They show every other explosion in this movie from at least three different angles, I can't believe they'd miss this opportunity to film another one. Did he drop it? We don't know! It's only one of many things that never get adequately explained.

This is the same alien who shot the guy at the beginning of the movie. So why doesn't Billy disintegrate into a human-shaped burn mark? Isn't the alien using the same gun? It sure looked like it.

You know, the worst part is that if you cut this down to most basic premise, it has extreme potential for coolness. Check this out: a bullied teenager finds an alien weapon that turns him into a monster who commits acts of sci-fi revenge in a flick featuring Keenan Wynn, Roddy McDowall, and Eddie Deezen! THAT sounds potentially cool! How did THAT turn into THIS!?

So, to make a long story short (yeah, yeah, I know, it's too late!): "Laserblast" stinks on ice! It sucks a dead giraffe! It should be avoided at all costs! It had exactly one redeeming factor: it was marginally better than "Manos: The Hands of Fate", but so is a root canal performed by a dentist with the shakes. If for some reason you absolutely have to watch this movie, try to make it the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version, where you can enjoy at least one-out-of-four obscure references and insults that Mike and the 'bots hurl at the screen.

Yeah, I know. This is supposed to pass as a legitimate review, so I can't just say "Hey! This stinks! Don't watch it!" I HAVE to come up with a rating. So I'm gonna be fair about it, and roll my D&D percentage dice. These are just two ten-sided dice. One die is the ones place, and one die is the tens place, together they randomly determine a number between 0-1 (watching "Manos: The Hands of Fate" while getting a root canal from a dentist with the shakes) all the way up to double-0, which actually means 100 (watching original theatrical cut of "Star Wars"...on my comfy couch...eating mint chocolate chip ice cream...with *sigh* Morgan Fairchild! It CAN'T POSSIBLY get better than THAT!).

...*sigh*

What? Where was I? Oh yeah, dice! Right! Anyway, as I was saying, I give my dice a nice, random, totally un-biased, un-influenced, un-weighted roll just like this...

...and end up with a fair and un-orchestrated 11! Yup, slightly above "Manos", and slightly below "Ralph Bakshi's Lord of the Rings". Sounds about right to me!

Of course, you don't HAVE to take my word on it (though I highly suggest that you do). You could watch it for yourself, if you're the masochistic type. This movie is out there, running wild, waiting to pounce on some poor, unsuspecting sci-fi fan who won't know until it's too late! Don't let it happen to you! Don't let it happen to your loved ones! Spread the word, link to this review, people MUST be warned!

By the way, have you seen any other movies that should be avoided at all costs? Feel free to leave a comment below telling me, and other unwary victims, the titles! In the meantime, I got nothing more to add, so come back next month to see what else I can find to talk about! Be there and be square!

------Your Buddy, Oddcube



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Doctor Demento

DOCTOR DEMENTO

Hey, there you are! How the heck are ya? How long has it been, about a month, right? Well then, it must be time for another Odd Review! So this is everybody's buddy, Oddcube, saying: Hello, and welcome to the column!

So I don't know what you've been up to, but I've decided, like, two minutes ago, to become slogan-conscious! So I'm gonna claim that I've spent the last month devising brand new slogans. Here, check this out: "Once you go square, nothing else can compare"! How do ya like that? Is that corn that isn't even ripe yet, or what? Oh wait, I got another one! Whattaya think of this: "Don't be a rube, read Odd Reviews by Oddcube"! Yeah, that sounds appropriately catchy and cheesy, doesn't it? Oh wow...I know, I got no shame--I'm Oddcube! :P

And to make it worse, none of that had anything to do with what I'm gonna talk about today. So I guess I better buckle down and get down to business.

As I said before: welcome to the column! This is where I get to talk about whatever I feel like talking about in whatever one-sided, opinionated, biased, or ill-informed manner I feel like! During all of that, I try to tell you why you should seek out or avoid whatever I'm talking about, and then try to justify it with a schlocky rating that is fairly determined by rolling dice and TOTALLY NOT MADE UP AT ALL (that's my story and I'm stickin' to it)! And so, with no further ado and even less a-don't, let us proceed to this month's totally terrific topic: The Dr. Demento Show!

Dr. Demento, of course, is that wacky DJ who showcases novelty music and comedy skits from yesterday, today, and tomorrow! But in real life, Dr. Demento is mild-mannered DJ, Barret Eugene Hansen. He was the son of an amateur pianist, born in Minneapolis, and went to Reed College in Portland, Oregon, and then went to UCLA and got master's degrees in folklore and ethnomusicology, which totally explains how he knows so much about what he knows so much about! The man's some kind of authority on music in general! He's written articles for Rolling Stone and Hit Parader, and liner notes for all sorts of albums!

But we're not here to talk about his appropriately unusual academic achievements! We're here to talk about something much more fun than that!

The whole thing started innocently enough in 1970 at Pasadena station KPPC-FM, which was an "underground" radio station. As such, there was no definitive format. In other words, the DJs could--and did--play whatever they felt like. So there was a mishmash of musical styles as one DJ might play classical stuff like Mozart, followed by a guy who might play KISS, and then a guy who would play folksy stuff like Peter, Paul & Mary.

During this time, young Barry Hansen, not yet known as Dr. Demento, would (mostly) play rock oldies. But every once in a while he would throw in a novelty record. One of these was an odd little song called "Transfusion" by Nervous Norvus. The song is about a driver who constantly gets into accidents--complete with sound effects--and ends up (rather happily) getting yet another blood transfusion at the hospital. Upon hearing the song, one of his fellow DJs remarked "You must be demented to play that on the radio!" This offhand comment eventually evolved into the name we all know and love: Dr. Demento!

Demented or not, the listeners totally digged it the most! In fact, Hansen noticed that the novelty songs received just as much (and sometimes more) positive feedback from his listeners, and they quickly became requested more than the mainstream music. Hansen took note, and eventually transformed his broadcast into an all novelty and comedy show.

By 1974, Dr. Demento had a two hour syndicated show broadcast on stations from coast-to-coast! Which means we've finally gotten to the fun part: telling you about the show itself!

So, the show starts up with a disjointed chorus announcing "The Doctor is in!", followed immediately by his opening theme: an instrumental version of the song "Pico and Sepulveda". Then, after some obligatory "welcome to the show"-type comments, we are treated to an hour of more-or-less random songs and comedy skits. Some of these are usually listener requests, and most are grouped into small blocks with a common theme. Somewhere in the midst of this hour, there is usually a feature called "The Demented News", made especially for the Dr. Demento show by a guy who goes by the name of "Whimsical Will", who basically talks about whatever he wants accompanied by lines and comments ripped from various recordings to help emphasize and embellish his point. The second hour starts up with a half-hour block devoted to this week's featured theme, like "cartoons", or "cars", or "office humor" or whatever. Then the show wraps up the final half-hour with the "Funny Five Countdown", which is this week's Top Five Most Requested songs.

Of course, this is the typical weekly structure for the show, but there were exceptions to the rule. Sometimes ol' Doctor D. would have a guest, like Mel Brooks, or George Carlin, or a member of Monty Python, or the guys from Spinal Tap. He would also have seasonal shows where the entire show featured the theme. This usually occurred around Halloween and Christmas, due to the enormous amount of material available. And the very last show of the year was always the "Funny Twenty-Five", which, you guessed it, was the top twenty-five requested songs of the year!

So what kind of stuff does he play? Well, like I said, novelty songs and humor... type...stuff. There are tons and tons of songs, some are parodies of mainstream songs, but you'd be surprised how many original non-parody songs there are in the world too! Plus, he showcases lots of comedy skits recorded by Saturday Night Live alumni, Monty Python's Flying Circus, and others. He's had stuff from a lot of big names on his show. Names like Judy Tenuta, Emo Phillips, and Steve Martin to name just a few. Heck, I've heard songs by Bing Crosby on the show! A lot of the stuff he plays is by folks who aren't necessarily nationally recognized, but have an enviable following in their own circle or geographic area. Like who? Well, like the Great Luke Ski, he's a "filk singer" who apparently works a lot of sci-fi conventions. Or, like the Capitol Steps, they do political humor in the form of parody songs out in Washington DC.

Likewise, Dr. Demento managed to expose several older artists and songs to the newer generations. Folks like Benny Bell (with "Shaving Cream"), Haywire Mac ("Ain't We Crazy"), Spike Jones ("Cocktails For Two"), and Tom Lehrer ("Poisoning Pigeons in the Park") received lots of airplay and tons of listener requests during the show's entire run.

But that's not all!

There's more?!

There sure is! In addition to all the professional and semi-professional talent he's played over the years, Dr. Demento has graciously received hundreds and thousands of demo tapes from amateurs from all over! People would send tapes in to the address given for his fan club, the Demento Society, and Dr. D listened to them all and stored them away in his massive musical library, and dig them out to play them on the air! How cool is that? Thanks to this insane but fair practice, he has helped all sorts of people break into the funny business. Most prominent of these, of course, is Weird Al Yankovic! You've GOT to know who he is! He's the guy that does "Eat It" instead of "Beat It" and "Fat" instead of "Bad". He's got a new album out right now, and the lead song is "Perform This Way", a parody of "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga.

The short version is that Dr. Demento was a big part in publicizing many of these artists, and some of them even found a way to try and pay it back! Barnes & Barnes (they sing "Fish Heads") put Dr. D into a couple of their videos, and they even featured him and some of his crew as vocalists on a song called "Gotta Get A Fake ID". An English comedian called Ivor Biggun was so pleased to learn his song "Bras on 45" was so popular on the Dr. Demento Show that Ivor wrote a tribute song called "Let's All Get Demented", which was also insanely popular on the show. And, of course, Weird Al has never forgotten that it was Dr. D who discovered him, and Al has featured the good Doctor in several of his videos, and even his movie "UHF".

Anyway, it was a winning formula that lasted well over thirty years. Sadly though, the radio show's popularity has diminished pretty steadily over the past couple of decades. Losing profitability, it also lost advertisers and syndicated networks. In fact, I am sad to report that as of January of 2011, Dr. Demento is no longer on the radio. But it's not all sad, because he has migrated to the internet!

That's right, folks! You can go to http://www.drdemento.com/ and find info and links to various artists, playlists for nearly EVERY show he's ever aired, and even download individual episodes to listen to! The good Doctor has dutifully concocted a new episode every week for over thirty years (with only very few exceptions), and many of the past shows are also up and available for streaming as well as new ones. And in some ways, it's kinda better, because there's no time limits imposed by a radio schedule, and there's no censorship (yes, he's got some songs that wouldn't have gotten on the radio).

Not only that, but over the years Dr. Demento has put together more than 40 albums, collecting some of the best and funniest tracks for your audio enjoyment! That's right; we're talking serious preposterous-ity for posterity here! Including his series of "Basement Tapes", his three Anniversary Collections, and his "Greatest Novelty CD of All Time"!

So at the end of it, it comes down to: if you like to laugh, then you would totally dig Dr. Demento, so give him a listen-to! Except, of course, I can't just say that, cuz just saying that does NOT promote my flimsy façade of an actual-factual review column. So to uphold that particular preposterous pretext, I've actually got to assign a phony-baloney rating here.

To do that, I shall once again employ the invaluable assistance of my o-so-treasured D&D percentage dice! In case ya don't know it, percentage dice are two ten-sided dice. One stands for the ones place, and the other stands for the tens place. Together, you roll them to randomly determine a number from zero-one (I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass), to double-zero, which actually means one hundred (total mega-super-epic-WIN)! So I'll just give my totally fair and unbiased dice a roll just like that...

...and roll an 86! There, see? I told ya it was well worth checking out! But hey, that's only one idiot's opinion, and you don't have to take it! There is another option! What's the other option? I hear you cry. Why, to check it out for yourself, duh!

Hey, whilst we're on the subject...what is YOUR favorite funny song? "The Purple People Eater" by Sheb Wooley? "Gitarzan" by Ray Stevens? "The Tennessee Bird Walk" by Blanchard and Morgan? Feel free to be sociable and share your song in the comments below! After all, I need SOMEthing to do to keep myself occupied until next month, and time for the next Odd Review! Be there and be square, cuz this is your buddy, Oddcube, saying sayonara senors and senoritas!

-----Your Buddy, Oddcube




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Tales of the Gold Monkey

TALES OF THE GOLD MONKEY

I know why you're here! I knew you were coming! I didn't bake a cake though, but I did prepare something even better than that: a new Odd Review! Why is that better? Cuz you can have your Odd Review and read it, too, duh!

So, as if you didn't know, this your buddy, Oddcube, saying hi and welcome to the column! This is where I get to talk about whatever I feel like under the clever guise of a review column, which is reinforced by a phony-boloney rating which is randomly determined by rolling dice. And I've got a true treat this time, team, a terrific trophy of television's times-gone-by called "Tales of the Gold Monkey"!

"Tales of the Gold Monkey" aired its one-and-only season on ABC in 1982. The show was created by some guy named Donald P. Bellisario, who created some other obscure shows with names like "Magnum, P.I.", "Airwolf", "Quantum Leap", "JAG", and "NCIS". In fact, "Gold Monkey" was apparently the very first series that he got a "Created By" credit for.

So, the scuttlebutt from several online sources is that Bellisario created "Gold Monkey", inspired by such classic movies as "Only Angels Have Wings" and "To Have and Have Not" and that he began trying to sell it to the networks since the late 70's. He was repeatedly turned down, as them dumb ol' TV execs thought no one would be interested in way cool adventure series set in the 1930's. And then it happened:

"Raiders of the Lost Ark" was released in theaters, and was a smash hit!

Then all of a sudden, all three networks (yeah, there were only three back then, how did people survive?!) were scrambling to find something similar that they could air. The good news here is that some guy at ABC remembered "Tales of the Gold Monkey", which came complete with a tropical island and a hero in a leather jacket! ...The bad news is that they really wanted it to be more of an action-oriented adventure and less the character-driven drama Bellisario originally intended. The resulting series is somewhere in between, and way cool!

"Tales of the Gold Monkey" takes place in the South Seas in 1938. More specifically, on the fictional island of Boragora, part of the French Mandate which covers the southern half of the volcanic Marivella Island chain. The northern half of the Marivellas compose the Japanese Mandate. The show focuses on the adventures of Jake Cutter, a former Flying Tiger who is now a pilot-for-hire who transports passengers and cargo with his Grumman Goose (that's an airplane, if ya don't know). Jake is played by Stephen Collins, whom you may remember from "Brewster's Millions" starring Richard Pryor and John Candy (he's the guy Richard Pryor gets to slug at the end), or from "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" (he's the guy who merges with V'Ger at the end of the movie...in case ya fell asleep and missed that part, which is TOTALLY understandable!), or as a priest in the TV series "Seventh Heaven".

Of course, a good hero needs good sidekicks, and Jake has several characters to back him up. His best, or at least most loyal, friend is Corky, the best (and only) mechanic within a thousand miles. Corky is amiable, optimistic, a little naïve, a little dense, and has a poor memory as a result of how much he drinks. Corky is played by Jeff MacKay, who also played recurring roles on "Magnum P.I.", "JAG", "Battlestar Gallactica" (the original one), "Black Sheep Squadron", and "The Greatest American Hero". And on top of all that, I found out that Jeff MacKay was Robert Redford's cousin!

Jake Cutter never went very far without his faithful friend, Jack, who was a one-eyed Jack Russell Terrier. Jack was smarter than the average dog; in fact, he was often smarter than the average human. He could hold a conversation with you by barking once for "no" and twice for "yes"...or is it the other way around? To be honest, I think he switched it around every once in a while, just to confound people. Jack had a glass eye made of opal with a star sapphire center, but Jake lost in a poker game in the pilot and Jack holds a king-sized grudge against him until he tracks it down and gets it back which, of course, Jake tries to do through the entire run of the show. In the meantime, Jack wears an eye patch and is very cool, even though he's kinda contrary.

Next up, we have Sarah Stickney-White, who turns out to be an American secret agent...even though she sounds British...who has been assigned to eavesdrop and relay any information that may be useful to the U.S. in the upcoming war. As her cover, she was the singer in Boragora's central meeting spot, The Monkey Bar. In addition to all of that, she was Jake Cutter's romantic interest throughout the series, cuz you need that sort of tension in a series. Sarah is played by Caitlin O'Heaney who was on "One Life To Live" for a while, and was in the Woody Allen films "Zelig" and "The Purple Rose of Cairo", and for a while she had her own perfume, called "Caitlin".

The most mysterious of Jake's companions is "Bon Chance" Louie. Louie is the French Magistrate in charge of Boragora and also the proprietor of the Monkey Bar. Louie is a likable scoundrel and rogue who occasionally drops little hints about various experiences in his exotic and apparently infamous life. In the pilot, Louie was played by Ron Moody, who has apparently been in tons of things, but I only know him from Mel Brooks' "The Twelve Chairs". Also apparently, he and somebody didn't get along, because in the ongoing series, Louie was played by Roddy McDowall. ...I don't have to tell you who Roddy McDowall is, do I? I mean, he's Roddy McDowall! Everybody knows and likes him, right? He was in, like, EVERYTHING it seems like.

Of course, a hero also needs some opposition, and there were some members of the regular cast to help in that capacity, too. For starters, there was the Reverend Willie Tenboom, who was actually a Nazi spy assigned to Boragora. Of course, he wasn't much of a spy; he was actually quite content to be stationed out on that tropical paradise mostly away from weighty worries like war and politics. He was set up as a Reverend, and his favorite pastime was giving private--ahem--"blessings" to the local native girls. He certainly didn't seem very devoted to the Nazi cause, and in fact was rather fond of the show's heroes. As such a reluctant opponent, he wasn't really played up as a villain, but more as focal point for occasional comedy. Willie was played by John Calvin, who seems to be in one episode of just about everything, and a couple of small movie roles, but "Gold Monkey" seems to be the largest part in his repertoire.

A more affective villainess was the Princess Koji, a half-Irish/half-Japanese princess who governed the Japanese Mandate in the Maravellas. She was sort of a classic Dragon Lady type of character, very clever and cunning, and (of course) intrigued and enamored of our stalwart hero, Jake Cutter. Princess Koji was played by Marta DuBois, who was also Thomas Magnum's wife on "Magnum P.I." and John Larroquette's love interest on the "McBride" series of mystery movies.

Princess Koji had several people at her beck and call, but her best servant is Todo. Todo was some sort of samurai-guy who was fanatically loyal to the Princess. He has a quick temper, unfaltering determination, and a samarai sword--and he's ready to use them all! Todo is played by John Fujioka, who you might remember from "Pearl Harbor", or "Mortal Kombat", but I remember him from "The Private Eyes".

Anyway, "Tales of the Gold Monkey" is an adventure show, and there's plenty of adventure everywhere! There are claim jumpers, guys trying to blow up members of Royal Families, kidnappers, slavers, killer apes, tigers, and curses from ancient island gods! From start to finish, it's just plain cool!

Now, some of these plot elements were part of Bellisario's vision of what the series should be, but some of the more exotic things like ape-men and natives were apparently added at the insistence of the network. Remember, they wanted it to be more Indiana Jones. Well, remember also that this is the first series that Bellisario got "Created By" credit for, and since his name was on it, he was very insistent about how it turned out, too. The short version here is that arguments ensued, and the series was not picked up beyond the first season, much to the surprise of rival networks and the disappointment of their growing fanbase.

Despite stubborn, short-sighted network execs, the show retains a loyal cult following. I guess I'm part of it, cuz I totally dig it the most. And what's not to like? There's adventure, excitement, romance, intrigue, and exotic scenery! So if you like Indiana Jones, or Allan Quatermaine, or Jungle Jim, or the movie "Firewalker", or the Disney show "Talespin" (which itself was supposedly inspired by "Tales of the Gold Monkey"), then you will like this show! ...Yeah, I know, I can't just say that. Some people just have to have the numbers, so it must be time to assign a rating to this thing!

Now I have a highly scientific rating system: a pair of D&D percentage dice! It's very simple. They're just two ten-sided dice, one die represents the tens place while the other is the ones place. So when I roll them, I get a random number anywhere from 01 (even worse than Brussels sprouts!) to double-0, which actually means 100 (even better than all-you-can-eat mint chocolate chip ice cream!). So, I just give 'em a totally unbiased roll like this...

...and roll a 95! There see? I told ya it was good stuff! But hey, you don't have to take my word for it! ...I don't know why you wouldn't take my word for it. You really ought to. I mean, have I ever lied to you as far as you know? No, of course not! ...But that doesn't matter, cuz ya don't have to take my word on it. You know why? Cuz you could watch it for yourself and form your own opinions! You could even post them if ya want. This is the internet, we allow that here and people do it all the time! Even (and especially) idiots who are clearly unqualified to share their opinions! You know, like me! ....Wait, that's not right...*shrug* Oh well, nevermind.

Speaking of my unqualified opinions, I guess that wraps up my opinions for now! So I'll see ya next time when you come back to satisfy your burning curiosity about my next subject! Don't deny it, you know you'll be back! And I certainly hope ya will, cuz I need all the readers I can get! See ya next time, folk!

-----Your Buddy, Oddcube


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Dungeon Siege

DUNGEON SEIGE

Greetings and salutations, reverent readers! Are you ready for the latest, the greatest, and most recent Odd Review EVER? ...I sure hope so, cuz here it is! Now! Live! Comin' at ya! In 3-D! (It was written in 2-D, then converted into 3-D so as to ride on the coattails of trendiness!) And this is everybody's buddy Oddcube, welcoming one and all who have come to see what this particular idiot has to say!

And now: an obligatory word to the unwary who unwittingly but wistfully wandered into my weird little world...

So here's how it is: my name is Oddcube (Hi! How ya doin'?). I talk about stuff! What kind of stuff? Why, pretty much whatever I feel like talking about! Books, movies, TV shows, games, whatever! I try to talk about weird stuff you may have missed, or old stuff you may have forgotten about. I try to tell you a little something about it, and whether or not I liked it and think its worth your time checking out. That's right; I do it so that you don't have to! Is that cool of me, or what? Then I write up my half-baked opinions into an article just like this one, and assign some goofball rating to it so that I can call it a review, and then it gets posted on the internet courtesy of the fine folks over at Abandoned Towers Magazine! Get it? Good! Cuz it's time to move on!

This time I'm gonna talk about a computer game called Dungeon Siege. Dungeon Siege is a role-playing game that was designed by Gas Powered Games and published by Microsoft Games in 2002.

Believe it or not, I really haven't played too many computer games. I have played several on the Nintendo and Super NES, but not on the computer. So when I first got Dungeon Siege, I was pretty impressed with how you could customize the look of your character. You only get to design one character, so that was less overwhelming than some other games where you start with a whole group right away.

Next, I thought the graphics were really detailed. Compared to more recent stuff, it's just not so bad.

You start off as a farmer somewhere in the Kingdom of Ehb, on the continent of Aranna. Your farm is under attack by these monster-guys called the Krug, and a dying friend tells you to get to town and warn the guards. So you fight your way to town, which brings up another cool point. In most RPGs you have to pick if your guy is a warrior or a wizard or whatever. But in Dungeon Siege you develop your skill level in archery, melee fighting, or casting spells (from two different kinds of magic). So, you can specialize in one skill and gain high levels as an archer, or a warrior, or a wizard of combat magic, or a mage with nature magic, OR you can develop ALL four skills and have a well-balanced character! To me, this was a really cool concept!

Once you get to town, of course you learn that the situation is worse than you thought, and you continue onward to the castle where some evil creatures called the Seck have broken out of their prison beneath the castle and sorta taken over, which is why all the bad monsters are suddenly running amok throughout the kingdom. At various points along the way, you can meet other characters who offer to join your group (this often requires giving them money). Once they join your group, you can control them just like you control the guy you started the game with. Plus, you can decide what formation the members of your group march in, and set their basic reactions to nearby monsters (always attack, always retreat, etc). You can also single out one guy and move them without moving everyone else, so as not to get attacked by monsters.

This may have been typical stuff for computer games, but it was new to me and I thought it was plenty cool. I started off trying to really pay attention to the storyline, for vital clues on where to go and stuff. But once I figured out it was a linear game and you could only stray so far off the path, I kinda stopped. Unfortunately, I never finished the game, either, as I had discovered World of Warcraft and began to play it instead.

Plus, there was another version of the game (on the same CD), where you could connect your computer with another computer either through a LAN line or the net, and play in another part of the gameworld with other players. I never had any other players to play with, but that didn't stop me from running around that gameworld alone.

However, somebody must've played through it and thought it was pretty cool, because the game has spawned all sorts of expansion packs and sequels! 2003 saw the release of Dungeon Siege: Legends of Aranna. In 2005, Dungeon Siege II was released. 2006 was a banner year, seeing the release of the expansion pack Dungeon Siege II: Broken World AND Dungeon Siege: Throne of Agony, which was released for the Sony Playstation Portable. And apparently they just released Dungeon Siege 3 in Europe and North America, and will be released in Japan later this month!

To be thorough I suppose I should also mention that there was a movie called "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale". It came out in 2008, was directed by Uwe Boll, and starred a bunch of people and Burt Reynolds and Claire Forlani and the guy who played Shaggy in the live-action Scooby-Doo movie. I have only this to say about the movie: of all the movies I've seen in my life, that was one of them!

Dungeon Siege was pretty cool, but I got distracted by World of Warcraft. But now that I'm bored with WoW, I've rediscovered Dungeon Siege in one of the closets here at my Sanctum Sanctorum. It seems to me I got through the mountains but never got all the way through the swamps. So I'll have to start playing it again. Cuz it is a worthwhile game.

Except, of course, I can't just SAY that. To appear like a real review I have to assign a rating. But I'm too wishy-washy, so I'll have to use my ever-incredible D&D percentage dice to randomly determine the rating for me! Percentage dice are simply two ten-sided dice. One die represents the ones place, and the other die represents the tens place, and together they randomly determine a number between zero-one (I'd rather crawl through twenty miles of sewer pipe than have to live through that) to double-zero, which actually stands for one hundred (the greatest thing EVER, like doubled!).

So I'll just toss the trusty ol' percentage dice like that...

...and roll a 70! Oh yeah, I'd better hastily add that I've never played any of the expansions or sequels, so this only applies to the original game.

But I can live with a score of 70, but you don't have to! You could try the game yourself and form your very own opinions! You know, I can't remember if I found mine in a Wal-Mart or in an Office Depot. But I'm sure you can still find a copy out there somewhere. If nowhere else, there's got to be one on Amazon or EBay!

So there you have it, fanatical fans! Another fix of the freaky and fun! And don't forget to remember to not forget to come back next month to find out what I talk about in my very next Odd Review! So be there and be square!

-----Your Buddy, Oddcube


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Lost In Space

LOST IN SPACE

Aw man, you found me! I guess that makes me "It"! Well this is everybody's buddy Oddcube here saying "Hello! And welcome to the column!"

So, if you've been here before you all ready know how this goes. But if you never haven't not ever been here before, then you're in for a life-defining experience! So what's it all about, anyway? Well, I'll tell ya: the internet is an ever-ongoing institution where any uninformed idiot can invite any and all to observe his or her unwarranted opinions...and this is where I announce mine! Except, of course, as a courtesy to the fine folks over at Abandoned Towers Magazine (except NO substitutes!) I make the concerted effort to disguise my unqualified ramblings as a review column. ...In fact, you're reading it now!

So what sort of things do I review? That's the best part! I get to talk about almost anything that I want! Books, movies, TV shows, and other miscellaneous things and stuff. Although I do try to find the strange and obscure stuff that you might have missed or forgotten about and tell why it's still cool! Or, conversely, why it should be avoided like a rabid wolverine!

This time around, I'm gonna talk about Irwin Allen's classic sci-fi show "Lost In Space"! Boy was I excited when I found this childhood favorite at Netflix! I remember thinking that Dr. Smith and the Robot were just the FUNNIEST thing, and decided right on the spot to do a review on it!

First, though, I have to give the behind-the-scenes scoop. Inspired by the book "Swiss Family Robinson", Irwin Allen (who also created the shows "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea", "The Time Tunnel", and "Land of the Giants") came up with a show he wanted to call "Space Family Robinson". Unbeknownst to him there was already a comic book published by Gold Key Comics using that name and concept, and a lawsuit ensued, which resulted in a change of the show's name and the addition of the characters of Dr. Smith and the Robot (you know, two of the three characters EVERYone remembers!).

The show ran on CBS from September 15, 1965 to March 6, 1968, encompassing 83 episodes over three seasons. The original pilot centered on the Robinson Family and Dr. Donald West (yes, he was a scientist in the original pilot!), who were shot into space with the intention of colonizing a habitable planet in the neighborhood of Alpha Centauri. Unfortunately, the pilot was pretty dull. So between that and the lawsuit from Gold Key, Dr. Smith and the Robot were added to the show and Don West was changed to a pilot.

The cast included Guy Williams (who used to be Zorro!) as Dr. John Robinson; June Lockhart (who used to be on "Lassie" and "Petticoat Junction"!) as Dr. Maureen Robinson; Mark Goddard as Major Don West; Marta Kristen as older daughter Judy; Angela Cartwright (who was in "The Sound of Music"!) as younger daughter Penny; and Billy Mumy (who grew up to become half of novelty musical group Barnes & Barnes and then was Lennier on "Babylon 5"!) as child prodigy Will; and "special guest star" Jonathan Harris as Dr. Zachary Smith. One cannot forget The Robot who was performed by Bob May in the suit, and Dick Tufeld provided the voice. By-the-by, the Robot was designed by Robert Kinoshita, who also designed Robby the Robot for "Forbidden Planet" (and appears in not one, but TWO episodes of "Lost In Space"!).

And the story changed a little, too. Some other government wants to be the first to colonize an alien planet, so they have promised Dr. Smith an obscene amount of money to sabotage the Jupiter 2. So he rigs the Robot to start breaking stuff after takeoff while the Robinsons are in suspended animation. Unfortunately for him, he does NOT get off the ship before takeoff. His added weight throws off all the calculations and the ship was thrown slightly off course...right into a meteor shower! As if that wasn't bad enough, the Robot's sabotage programming kicks in, and it destroys some consoles! The Jupiter 2 lands on an unidentified alien planet, which just HAPPENS to have a breathable Earth-like atmosphere.

From here out it becomes a sort of "Gilligan's Island" in space. They manage to meet all sorts of aliens, many of them capable of leaving the planet...but the Robinsons remain trapped. At first, Dr. Smith was intended to be killed off, his role of sabotaging the mission now complete, but for some reason, the character was kept through the remainder of the season.

Granted, he was the only character on the show that had any character at all. All the other characters of the main cast were pretty bland. However, upon re-watching Season One, I found him to be totally annoying! I mean, okay, I can get that he was shifty and sinister and sold out to a rival government. But once they get into space all he does is whine about how he wants to go back to Earth. ...Ok, I can dig that, too, but he doesn't seem to want to get back to Earth badly enough to help accomplish that! He lays around doing his best to do nothing at all, and refuses to conserve supplies when it means any sort of personal sacrifice or inconvenience. He lies, cheats, steals, and/or uses EVERY other character not once, but time and time again!

To make matters worse, the Robinsons forgive and forget his actions time and time again! I mean, come on! I agree we all should strive to be good people, but there's got to be a limit! Whether motivated by greed, cowardice, or slothfulness, Dr. Smith's actions constantly endangered the lives of innocent people, including women and children! He needs just one good butt-kicking, but Robinson refuses to do it, and won't even let Major West do it! The worst Smith gets is a "stern talking-to" (several times) and it never does any good. Obviously Dr. John Robinson is Lawful Stupid.

I only re-watched Season One because it was supposed to be the one that was "straight sci-fi adventure", as opposed to Seasons Two and Three which were more campy and comical, to the regret of various cast members. The first few episodes were the best, and I'm pretty sure of where they intended to kill off Smith. But somebody somewhere really liked him, because he not only lived through the entire run of the show, but actor Jonathan Harris was allowed to rewrite scenes of dialog to develop his character. I understand that with Season Two the show shifted to more prominently feature Dr. Smith, Will Robinson and the Robot, but I couldn't take any more.

It's not all bad; there is some cool stuff in the show. They had a flying saucer, a jet pack, and a robot so coolness has been achieved right there. Plus, they had an amphibious RV to go cruisin' over alien lands and seas. They had nutritional protein pills way before NASA and Pillsbury developed their Space Food Sticks. They also had those shiny silver reflective blankets, which were newly developed by NASA. In later seasons, they also had a space pod.

The stories of the first season weren't bad, either. They salvaged star charts from a derelict alien spacecraft, explored parts of an alien planet including an underground lost city, and fought to survive against extreme temperatures, indigenous alien animals, and visiting extra-terrestrial troublemakers.

Despite its good or bad points, the show only ran for three seasons. A fourth season was expected, but was abandoned. Why? Well, there seems to be some debate about that. The most often stated reasons include budget cuts, that it was disliked by a network exec, low ratings, or a lack of interest among the cast.

But even though the show ended, its legacy endured! There was an official comic book, scripted by Bill Mumy himself, not to be confused with the original "Space Family Robinson" comic published by Gold Key. There was a novel based on the series written by Dave Van Arnum and Ron Archer (who used the name Ted White). A Hannah-Barbara cartoon was featured on the cartoon anthology series "The ABC Saturday Superstar Movie". Then, of course, there was the big movie production with William Hurt, Gary Oldman, and Matt LeBlanc. And the WB commissioned a pilot for a remake back in 2003 that was directed by John Woo, but was not picked up as a series. Not to mention tons of merchandising, the coolest of which HAS to be the limited edition, completely authorized authentic reproductions of the Class M-3 Model B9, General Utility Non-Theorizing Environmental Control Robot which is mechanized, motorized and operated by remote control with all sorts of features including over 500 voice tracks by the Robot's original voice, Richard Tufeld. This is no joke, if you 25K lying around with nothing to use it for, you can go to http://www.blogger.com/www.lostinspacerobot.com and buy your own!

So what's it all come to? Well, I was glad to revisit the stories, because I couldn't remember a single one from my childhood. I still think that Will Robinson was about the coolest 9-year old on TV, and that the Robot was totally wicked! I am disappointed; however, that Dr. Smith annoyed me so much. Like I said, I recall him being very funny when I was in single-digits, but now I just wanted to sock him in the jaw. The Robinsons are a typical 60's TV family, and get along with one another far better than any real-life family I've ever met. But that makes sense to me; I mean you would need that sort of a family for this sort of mission. I don't think a family as dysfunctional as the Robinsons in the movie would be good for such a mission. And although I found Dr. John Robinson annoying that he wouldn't lash out at Smith, in a way I kinda respect that, too, I guess. I mean, he didn't condone violence, and utterly refused to fight against any intelligent being if it could be avoided, and no matter what Smith did, Robinson never faltered. West on the other hand was perfectly willing to smack him down, but Robinson wouldn't let him. Mostly, I think the show would have been better if they had killed off Smith as they originally intended.

So I guess that's another childhood memory mostly ruined. But at least this time it's not because some Hollywood director tried to "update and improve" it and ended up ruining it in the process. And yes I do mean "Transformers" and "G.I. Joe". No, this time it's only because I've changed as I grew up. I guess I can't blame any Hollywood director for that. Must be my family's fault then. Remember folks, psychology teaches us that everything wrong with us is our family's fault!

Anyway, I can't just say "this is my opinion" cuz that doesn't look formal to pass off as an official review column. So I've got to assign a rating, and to do that I'm going to roll my handy-dandy D&D percentage dice! In case you don't know it, percentage dice are two ten-sided dice. One is the tens place, and one is the ones place and they're used to determine a random number between 01 (Danger, Will Robinson!) and double 00, which actually means 100 (a pleasure folded into a rapture wrapped in a euphoria). So I'll just give them a good, un-biased roll just like that...

...and end up with a 49! Gee, no wonder Guy Williams quit his acting career and retired to Argentina after the show.

But hey, you don't have to take my word for it! You can check it out yourself. You can rent the discs from Netflix (and I think you have to have the discs to watch the original unaired pilot!). Or you can stream every episode for free on IMDB.com or Hulu.

Well, I guess that's about all I have to say about that. So I'll wrap this up and tell you to come back and find out what I talk about next time! I know I will! So be there and be square!

-----Your Buddy, Oddcube



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